1. |
clean
03:16
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there was a future that was dashed against the rocks
by my stupid open mouth
it should only be open
in the bathroom stall
being taken forcefully
not talking to a therapist
or you.
fuck staying clean
fuck my stupid dreams
and i still love you more than anything
but that's such a cliche
i shouldn't put this in the song
there were invitations lined on the street
there were dead bodies by my feet
and at the end of the day, you hand me a gun
and say "do it and mean it this time, sarah."
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2. |
lottie's dead!!!
01:33
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{lottie's bad dream} AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
melting bodies on yr tenth-floor apartment complex window
light up until it all goes away
you were cutting in the bathroom
shoulders covered with tape and blood and kisses from your new partner
light up until you slip down the drain
lottie, you need more than weed to be happy
lottie, you need more than weed to stop crying
crying on the stairs
do you know that this means nothing?
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3. |
h34v3n1y h0s7
02:30
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red lip sockets meeting wrong ends
this is now my home here in heavenly host
haunting hallways with locked-up doorways
yakumi found this place in a dream after spending too much time on the internet
they wanted something to make them forget that they're stuck here for the foreseeable future
kissing girls and making friends
with transparent ghosts with blood-shot veins
and nothing of use to say
I HANG OUT WHERE I BELONG
(IN THE GRAVEYARD)
I HANG OUT WHERE I BELONG
(IN THE DARKNESS)
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4. |
break-up / flower beds
03:21
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all the lights are on
blue lights since you've been gone
chirstmas is coming near, so dear to heart
slice up to start
dead people montage at the end of the parade
tied up, no wonder everybody hates your body
our lungs are black like our spirits
will you make room in that flower bed?
i hate connections and love cigarettes and wishing i were dead
these pills better work this time, or i'm so fucked and out of line
will you make room in that flower bed?
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5. |
cosmonaut discomfort
05:15
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i've been thinking a lot lately. all i can really do nowadays. in all honesty, it's all over for me. i know i can't get better, and you can't really help someone who can't help themselves, right? i'm not even sad about it anymore, i'm just mad that i wasted so much of people's time. char, ashley, ginger, yara. everybody. all of them either hate me or don't care. and i mean, that okay i guess. that's what i wanted all along, right? total apathy? i guess i got what i wanted. I've been looking at old messages that she sent me while i'm here in space. it's hard to really look at the words now, but i never regretted a single second of it. she was a light that i needed in a very dark time. and i'm still in that dark time. and i'm never getting out of it. but she was there. i remember her saying that there would be a big open future for me and her where we would be together and we could be happy together.
lost in space, beautiful place. and i just can't seem to find the words to tell.
sometimes i think about why she never left me that day. sometimes i think about us dancing at the high school. i'm okay, char. i'm okay. i just can't seem to find the words. and while i'm here, lost in this space, i just wanted to say: i love you so much. thank you for everything. the black hole.
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6. |
half-hearted drawings
02:46
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dancing in the bathroom alone
dimly lit blood on mouth
suck the wound and fuck letting go
walking home, i want a car to hit me
vein exposed, i don't know
nevermind, let it go
she doesn't know and that's alright with me
whatever gets her to sleep at night
tell her that it's alright
SLICE YOUR GUMS
KILL YOURSELF
HOSPITALS ARE DUMB
YOU'RE JUST A HALF-HEARTED DRAWING
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7. |
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{still here on earth}
i want to keep a piece of me intact after this time
because last time was a big fucking disaster!
i couldn't get it right, i didn't have enough medication that time
but i improved on disappearing silently by quite a lot!
friends aren't there, and there's a reason for that
so i'm leaving and i'm never coming back
just like my dad when cancer came to him
i remember screaming "i couldn't swim!"
but who knew i'd end up meeting him halfway instead?
i wanna fly through the top of this roof
(why are you so stagnant in the water?)
and give all that i can to hell
("stop swimming and just let the waves take you under.)
i wanted to kiss you so bad by your house
(i wanted to tell you that i would talk to you later)
but i knew you didn't want to
(but a goodbye works best, i guess in this scenario, right?")
(this is the part where sarah gives up. she has two bottles of acetaminophen on her bed and a birthday card from her ex crumbled in her left hand. three days from now, her friends will be getting ready for school. ignorance is bliss. repeat that to yourself as you go away, sarah. repeat that so everybody else will forget you more than they already have.)
{hazily drifting, everything's a dream now}
in this blistering light
i will rise to die
sent in my gun and badge to graze against the sky
and in the end, i resign
i've complied all my life
lottie never seems to stop smoking
and i think at this point she doesn't care
at this point all i am is an option
just another person to wear as a cool little attachment to yr life
except i'm the worst attachment in yr life
i don't want to survive this
i won't be here tomorrow
{agapi mou}
agapi mou
i will carry you out of this place
there's a small copy of home in yr heart
not the one you have
but the one you deserve
and always deserved
every since you were around
stay alive
lottie, char
will you marry me someday?
you won't marry me at all
{down}
down, down, down, down
always staying underground, i swear
hell is waiting for me
hell is a waiting room
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8. |
hell isn't so scary
08:28
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HANG TIGHT
I'M STILL AFRAID OF THE OUTSIDE
"her fucking death will be a beacon to us all! i'd rather let myself be hung and flayed than have to stay in this fucking place while she's still alive! she's not seeing the stars! she's not up in the stars!"
do you still love me, oh?
(did you ever really love me?)
or are you just too bored to look for anybody else
(or were you just looking for a distraction?)
YOU FOUND SOMEONE ELSE AND YOU TOLD ME THROUGH A POEM
you told me through a poem about a new love
and how it all ended
he lost all interest
he started avoiding you in class
it started out friendly
you kissed every weekend
and now you're kissing his ass just because you don't like to "make things awkward"
kissing his lips in class
was it nice getting kissed on the grass of the high school football field?
and i used to think "why haven't we kissed yet?"
but i now know it's because you never loved me :)
FUCK YOU
PRETTY THINGS GET VANDALISED
FUCK YOU
PRETTY THINGS GET HORRIFIED
FUCK YOU
PRETTY THINGS GET TRAUMATIZED INSIDE
FUCK YOU
YOU
TOOK
MY
CURIOSITY AND
TURNED
IT
INTO
JUST ANOTHER HOLE
AND WHEN WE GO TO SLEEP IN THIS SAME FLOWER BED
WILL YOU DREAM ABOUT THAT COUCH IN THAT HOUSE THAT YOU DREAD?
WILL YOU BE STUCK IN THAT PLACE WITH HIS STUPID PUNCHABLE FACE AND RELIVE IT ALL OVER AGAIN?
don't tell me to calm down
don't hug me, i'm too loud
don't ask me to come to your house
just tell me to go now
way to go!
hell isn't so scary
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9. |
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i must admit that i'm angrier at you than i previously thought.
how can you just say you love me and not mean it?
did you ever even say it with your whole heart, or just the small part of your brain that craves attention?
"we will grow old together and we will die in each other's arms"
go fuck yourself, you always wanted to get away
and i don't blame you for wanting to get away from me
but don't string me along and say you care
our friendship is dependent on a chemical dependency
of not wanting to be so fucking lonely.
but i don't want to be just friends with you.
and i guess at the end of the day, i'm just as bad as him
i may not be a rapist but i'm also not a good person
and i guess at the end of the day, ashley was lying all along
i'm no different than all the others
just another ex for you to reminisce about in the future
i'm glad you have a future
keep holding onto that future
there will always be a future waiting for you
where someone can truly love you for you
i was just a prototype of that future, it seems
you've moved on
so why can't i do that too?
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Neurotics California
dead monument
2019 - 2021
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